I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
