She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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