then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize