I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
