I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
