my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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