What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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