i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Randomize
