My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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