Will you blow on my dice?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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