Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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