I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
