I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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