so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize