just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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