i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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