He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
