Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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