I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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