We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
