i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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