Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize