I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
