It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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