i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
