two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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