my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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