i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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