The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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