Umm I'm too high to move.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
