Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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