I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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