My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
