if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
