I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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