Non-Jews are for practice
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
