I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
