I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I FOUND THE LEGS
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
