You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
