my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
