if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
