Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
