she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize