Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
