Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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