I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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