if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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