I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
