I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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