this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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