i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
