got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
