Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
