Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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