I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
We left the knife in your bed.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
