he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
My bed smells like the plague
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
