Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
