mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize