I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You ruined the universe
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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