I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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