If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
