shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
