I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
