He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Someone signed my nipple.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
