Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
